Wednesday, 22 October 2014

27

back home. still waiting for the criminal records to start my new, cheffing job. hopefully next week. and had a good day of practice at college. though not challenging enough. my flat still a mess: have to sort out all the extra plates etc i bought back when i used to entertain a lot of friends. plus pots and pans and many other things my friends have left with me to freecycle around. i'm washing and boxing. i want to live as minimal as possible. a lot of laundry to do too

a bit sad today. a couple of IM on facebook hit a raw nerve. and N has me blocked still. which means perhaps i mean nothing to her. time to move on? i'm also very pissed off she was the one who initiated all. she felt entitled to switch it on/off as she wishes

my friend who IMed me (not knowing more than what i posted here) said: may be is time for you to move on. i know you deserve better. and i agree. but still... i felt the potentiality in that interaction. the layers of armour we both took away. the shared hopes. and i don't feel like connecting with anyone else. even if i'll never hear from her. or if she's connecting with another guy and i'm already forgotten

i'm once again blocking my emotions. i'm sorry for the next one who is attracted to me

last night  i read a bit of pirkei avot. if i am not for myself, who will be for me? and if i am only for myself, what am i? and if not now, when? but as i was meditating on hillel's words, i was thing about "now". what is my NOW? am i living in it? i'm living in a very fluid state. open to chance. to be taken by surprise. but, am i living in my now? i am, however, not only for myself. which is good. that's why instead of asking "what" i am i could say "who". but i'm lacking in the determination of being for myself. perhaps that's N lesson in my life. the things she said at that critical, "final" day, were mostly projections of her fear. what she thought i thought of her. i'll take that as a mirror... and have a look

counting the days till my birthday. malaga. two of the friends i love the most. the stetson dave is bringing as my present













welcome to havana upon tyne 3.0, let's fly together







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